I just found this in my drafts and realized that, a friend really needs to hear this right now. This is the last installment to the three part back blog during my soul and self-searching days, aka 2007. Some friends have been fans of my writing before I decided to commit myself to writing about my passion which is travel and food. One friend in particular, admits that he prefers my old posts about life and the in-betweens, the intangible and the inexplicable. Well, deal with it. ToT is staying put.
It's been far too long since I last put my thoughts into typed words. Suppressing emotions has never been one of my best traits, yet somehow it finds its way into my daily routine and I find myself staring off for moments at a time, looking off to space and realizing that I've failed to sit down and see the bigger picture of the days that passed me.
The year that was has been a mishmash of sorts, trying new things, going back to old ways, going places, staying in. During the earlier part, it felt as if everything was at a standstill; things were moving too slow, or not moving at all. By the latter part I would catch myself panting at the speed at which precious moments passed me by. Sometimes, all it takes is one blink and everything around me turns 180.
Zuma Beach, 2004
But eventually, there comes a point when body and mind are aligned with each other, and I encounter a moment of sheer stillness that the clarity of my emotions becomes so overwhelming it puts me at a standstill. Yes, I have numbed myself down to the point that, when it should hurt, I feel nothing. But then it comes back to haunt me and hurts when the last pang of pain should have left.
So many events have come and gone, and being the multi-tasker I was raised to be, I attempted to juggle several things at the same time. Being inundated felt like an accomplishment, like I was burning the midnight oil. Eventually the only thing burning in the midnight was my spirit.
Some things are meant to be developed and to be kept an eye on to make sure it runs its path. When starting something new, focus is a priority to make sure it doesn't veer off course. But when something is established, you have the liberty to loosen up and sit back a bit, because you are so familiar with its methodology you don't really need to stay on your toes all the time.
Manhattan Beach, 2005
Inasmuch as I've learned from past mistakes, when new mishaps happen they hauntingly resemble the old ones you vow never to deal with again. To my surprise, it reemerges as a heavier, more affecting version of their predecessor.
Ahh... but we all move on and forward eventually. It took me a while to understand this, but sometimes you really need to sit still for a moment to let the gravity of your emotions sink in. Only then will you realize that instead of building a wall to block off what you don't want to see or feel, you need to put up a screen than allows everything to pass through, good, bad, pretty, ugly. It hurts more to open up, a whole lot more, but even though things are being thrown at you from every direction, you are able to see ahead of you, unlike a wall that just closes you in and keeps you in your comfort zone.
Recently I've encountered a situation wherein I was faced with the past and had the option to relive it or ignore it. That experience left me so emotionally dehydrated, it took a while before I was able to have enough of myself to give again, so I deemed it understandable if I was to chicken out on the reunion.
As I sat there after all considerations, letting the past and the present sit side by side, it occurred to me that I had another option. I could live in the past, I could ignore the past, but I could also just live with it. Because I did everything I could have done, and probably much more than I should have at the time, it became clear that any attempt to relive the moment in hopes for a better ending was nothing more than an instinctual move to find comfort in the familiar, but not the actual. The reality is that, if you look back and try to start from that point, you'll never have enough time to make up for the present.
Sometimes it is better to leave things as they are instead of picking up where you left off, because it allows you to have another story, another experience, another reason and another lesson. Holding on for so long leaves a part of ourselves unavailable and unable to fully accept with open arms what other people are willing to offer.
That being said... I still get the flashbacks and the queasy feelings in my stomach... but now it gets calmed down by other feelings. I've finally learned to live with it. No looking back, no wondering about what ifs. I sit still, and it feels amazing. Although i cant help it if I look back once in a while, it pales in comparison to what I can look forward to!
*Photos taken by me. If interested in large format, contact me